When I'm not feeling happy or joyful

One of the ways that my OCD can be really tricky is by manipulating my brain's response to logic. I know, logically, that I don't need to wash my hands over and over to be "clean." I know, logically, that I don't need to reassure myself every five minutes that I am okay. There are many facts that my brain knows, that "normal" people accept at face value, but which somehow become meaningless to me when I actually have to use this knowledge to combat the obstacles of everyday life. Even when the logical part of myself recognizes that I am behaving totally irrationally, my mind, my being, can't seem to trust the safety net that my brain is trying to provide for me.

So in the back of my mind, I always knew that the initial euphoria that I experienced when I actually started to reach a positive place in my spiritual journey wouldn't last. Even though I have this exciting new perspective on life that has taught me that I can choose love over fear, that I can be simply be happy to live instead of scared of dying, it's easier said than done. I know that suffering is a part of life. I also know that pain is temporary. When I'm able to feel happy, I'm grateful. I embrace the feeling, especially these days! But there's still a part of me that is dead and rotting inside.

It's not so much the OCD this time, at least not specifically. Sure, there are plenty of areas that I still need to work on. But overall, I can clearly see the improvements that I've made and I'm proud of that. Many stupid little things that I would panic over a year ago hardly bother me at all now. At the same time, I've noticed a dark cloud hanging over me. My nightmares have been a major red flag. The longer they go on, the more fatigued I feel. I feel empty. Apathetic. I feel like I'm going into some sort of mental hibernation because the pain of living has beaten me down.

I want to enjoy life. There are so many things that I have to be happy about and to look forward to. But I'm still scared because I feel myself withdrawing. It doesn't surprise me at all that a major theme of my nightmares is an inability to communicate. That's how I feel every day when I am awake. I am constantly frustrated because I can't seem to navigate this world as smoothly as most people can. I want to be happy with being me, but how do I do that when "me" is all wrong here?