I know that obsessing over heavy topics like these makes me seem a little crazy, and with my admitted history of mental illness, it would be easy to write me off as a complete lunatic. And that's fine with me! One aspect of spirituality that has really helped me see the world from a different perspective is the realization that every single person on this planet has a unique experience, so it only makes sense that everyone is at a different, and equally valid, point in their journey. Some people just aren't interested in spiritual things, and in a way, I think that's enviable! What better way to enjoy humanity than to completely immerse yourself in the experience? Living in itself is a crucial part of a soul's spiritual journey, and you don't need to be a religious scholar to appreciate it.
On the other hand, it's possible to have a zest for life and still wonder about what happens after we take our final breath. In the past, I've avoided thinking about spirituality because it made me uncomfortable to be so clueless about the "afterlife," especially when my observations about the world around me seemed to contradict what I had been taught growing up. For so long, I not only blindly accepted the existence of heaven and hell, but I let myself believe that the ONLY way to "get into" heaven was to worship a God whose presence I couldn't feel. I worried that I couldn't feel God because I didn't have enough faith, and my anxiety only increased when I stopped attending church. Even though I had reached a point where I could see that something wasn't quite right with the narrative I had been sold, I still clung to my old fears of hell, and I couldn't understand that it was possible to be a spiritual person outside of the confines of organized religion. To me, it seemed like the church wanted me to give up who I was to be a worshipping, tithing robot, when what I really needed at the time was to develop my sense of self. It has taken me until now to realize that simply allowing myself to enjoy life isn't going to permanently bar me from entering into a happy afterlife. Losing that fear of death has freed me to truly enjoy the human experience.
The relief that I feel from this burden being lifted has also opened my eyes to the power of fear. From as early as we can remember, it seems, we encounter face-offs between forces that we commonly refer to as "good" and "evil." This theme of good versus evil is everywhere, from the "Fall of Man" story in the Christian Bible, to the latest blockbuster superhero movie. Sometimes the difference is black and white, while other situations present moral dilemmas that force us to dig deep in order to make a decision. Just looking at the world today, it's pretty obvious that many people do make bad choices, but even so, I don't believe that anyone is inherently evil. Instead, I've come to believe that we allow our behavior to create either positive or negative karma by choosing to act out of love, or to act out of fear. When we act out of fear, even unintentionally, the consequences can be disastrous. Every day we hear about people doing such horrible things to other people, which makes me question how there could possibly be a shred of good in their soul. And while I'm not saying that we shouldn't pay for our mistakes, I've started to understand that everyone has a story. I may not understand what goes on in the minds of criminals who the world perceives as sick and monstrous, but there has to be a reason that this soul has been driven to such extremes. It's also comforting to me to know that even the worst of the worst still has just as much chance as anyone else to turn around make things right; to change negative karma into positive karma.
Of course, this belief sharply diverges from the Christian position that states a person must admit they are a sinner, pronounce their belief that Jesus is the son of God, and confess their faith in Jesus as the savior of humanity. If you don't manage to do this by the time you die, even if you just happened to miss out on the story, well, you're out of luck. See you in hell. As a child, hearing about missionaries embarking on exotic adventures to save the lost souls of people from distant corners of the earth actually scared me, because I couldn't envision a God who would send a person to hell just because they happened to be born in an area of the world where no one had ever heard of Jesus. It was impossible for me to wrap my mind around the notion that these other religions were equally valid- I truly believed that Christianity was the only path to salvation. Imagine how drastically my perspective on life shifted once I was willing to accept the idea that life is a lesson, not a test. There aren't any "right" or "wrong" answers, but instead there are an infinite number of possibilities. So no matter what name you call your God, it seems obvious to me now that part of being a soul is the desire to feel a connection to something larger than oneself. The hard part is figuring out who this entity is, and who we are in relation to it.
I'm not trying to bash Christianity, either. That was the approach that I took for many years but it never made me feel any better, and I think that's because I was focusing too much on my bitterness towards the church to sort out the good things that I gained from that pulpit- crucial lessons, like the importance of being polite, and kind, and generous. How to be social and enjoy fellowship with others, and to do my best to behave morally. I will readily admit that there are many things that modern Christianity still has right. The problem is that we have started to care less about being spiritual and more about appearing spiritual. I used to think that I needed to follow a certain path, and behave a certain way, in order to enjoy the benefits of spirituality. Not to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but historically, organized religion has been used as way to control the masses. After all, telling a population of people that they must follow a certain set of rules or they will be sent to hell is a pretty good way to keep them in line as citizens. The consequence, however, is that being dutiful becomes more valued than being spiritual, and not only is that incredibly boring, but it also sends the wrong message. For so long, I had absolutely zero interest in anything spiritual because I couldn't see what I would be getting out of it- why should I subject myself to all of these expectations that are thrown at me in church when it doesn't give me any personal fulfillment? When I shifted my perspective to consider that seeking personal fulfillment IS being spiritual, it completely changed how I viewed everything! Doing the right thing is exhilarating, not confining! In the church, I followed the rules because I was scared of being punished. Now, I try to do the right thing because I know that it will send positive energy into the world, which makes me happy! And when I inevitably make a mistake, even then I am growing. It's so much easier to face tough things when you can look forward to being stronger for having walked through it.
I have a growing list of topics that I want to write about, ranging from crazy to even crazier, so stay tuned! In the meantime, it's time to charge this laptop battery as it seems writing has once again distracted me from time passing by.
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